Top Ten Funniest One-Star Reviews (Amazon)

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One-star reviews are an inevitable outcome of publishing literary art, no matter how talented or evolved your work may be. As a new author, I found one fun and effective way to deal with them. I went to well-known authors that I emulate to see what their one-stars read as. It’s sort of the same principle as, “harsh criticism can’t be that bad since it happens to everyone.”

But I found myself laughing my ass off. It was great therapy in a lot of ways.

OK, here are the excerpts. Please feel free to add your own funny favorites in the comments below, and if you find these humorous and/or helpful, share this post. I’m thinking of adding a second or even third volume!

Oh, just a caveat, if you’re one of the authors I selected, this is in the spirit of dealing positively with negative criticism, so laugh with me! No offense meant at all.

1. ME NO LIKE WIZARD BOOKS GIVE ME STUFF ABOUT SPORTS!!! (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J.K. Rowling)

2. This novel (if a bunch of childish, repetition words comprise a novel) is the biggest load of crap I’ve come across since visiting a dairy farm in Wisconsin when I was 7. My tabby cat could write better sex scenes than this woman. (Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James)

3. I’d rather have my eyes pecked out by a seagull than read this again. (Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach)

4. Frankly I feel I have been taken for a ride with this book. I persevered for a few hours hoping that something would happen. It did. I made the decision to cut my losses and delete it from my iPad. (Inferno by Dan Brown)

5. This book was full of surprises and a wonderful mix of romance and action. This is by far the best book I have ever read. (The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins)

6. When my mother told me a Christmas Carol, Batman classic was for sale, I was thrilled. Needless to say, there was no Batman and I wasted my time and money wondering when we were going to see the caped crusader kicking ebeneezer’s arse. (A Christmas Carol, Bantam Classic, by Charles Dickens)

7. It was hard for me to keep up with whatever was going on. (A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens)

8. Stephen King’s “The Stand” is the only book I have read so far which has filled me with a desire for revenge. (The Stand by Stephen King)

9. I felt the only thing I learned about was knots. If I just wanted to learn about knots, I would have read a book about knots. (The Shipping News by Annie Proulx)

10. I really hated “The Old Man and the Sea.” I think it is a pile of muck. Here’s the story in a nutshell. An old fisherman goes out on a boat and catches a large fish which pulls the boat. He tries to reel it in and finally harpoons it. On the way home sharks attack and eat the carcass. (Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway)

Yours in literature,

J.G.C.

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